Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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