I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
