Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
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