I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
