A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I love you. Go after that dick
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
