Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
