Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
