i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
