I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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