saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Quick, to the slutcave!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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