last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
