The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
