I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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