I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
