for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
