UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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