I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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