just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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