I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
