Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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