his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
