wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
