it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
