I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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