best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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