Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
