Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
