so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize