i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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