drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
