I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
