If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
