My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize