Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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