Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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