There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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