I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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