Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
