I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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