Pappa wants mamma naked
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
this boner is exhausting
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
