my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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