We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
