I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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