didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
