I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
