I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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