I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
