I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
