i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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