on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize