I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
