jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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