the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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