I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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