tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I think I sprained my soul last night
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
